Sometimes looking back can be extremely unsettling. You take a peek at yourself, you see through past words, past actions, past reactions. And when your past self disappoints you, when you can say "if I could go back, I'd do things different", then the shock is quite big. Not because you did stupid things, everybody does stupid things. It's because you hurt people you love so freakishly much, you shouted at them, you were short with them, rude with them. And then you get a hole in your heart, and an irresistible urge to try and make things right, apologise, show how sorry you really are. But words won't do the trick, cause you can't phrase them right. And time won't help you, cause after a while there's no point in trying to make things right. Cause things ARE right. Indeed they are. But it's a different kind of right, things are right on a whole other level, and meddling with the past won't do any good to anyone, you know that. And you get angry, and you get sad, and you get confused. Disorientated and wanting to get the heck out of here again. While trying to get those thoughts and those people out of your head. No, words don't do the trick. I couldn't be more sorry. Still not enough. Randomness at it's very best.
And you're sick of telling yourself to chill and see things clearly, and then you'll calm and see it was not that big a deal after all, overreacting and everything. Sick of telling yourself that you are growing up and can't afford doing stupid things, cause you're almost 24 and you should know better and do, in fact know better. But knowing better makes you very, very sad. Cause it suppresses all the things that make you happy, all your instincts, all your wants. And there's nothing really you could do about it. The barrier is never coming back down again. And you are the one to blame.
