Πέμπτη, 6 Μαρτίου 2014

Signifier and Signified, indeed*

I was looking for a sign today to make me feel more confident about a decision I know I have to make. You know how when you look for signs you never get one? Like, when you're looking to see someone and you know that as long as you think about it it's never gonna happen, or when you light a cigarette at the bus stop thinking that "since I thought that when I'd light it the bus would come, then it actually won't" and then the bus eventually does come? I'm pretty much refering to everything Murphy-like going on in this universe, you know, the usual deal. So, in this deal, you know that when you're looking for a sign to guide yourself in a decision you don't know how to make, this sign never shows up.

I got my sign today. And it wasn't some vague thing that I might have considered in my mind to be a sign, in an effort to assuage my consciousness or my confusion, it was exactly the kind of thing I was looking for, an extremely unlikely happenstance which, aside from its impossibility of happening, came from a source incredibly important to me.

How do you handle signs? You claim to not believe in them, yet you ask for them. Why ask for something you don't believe in? And when you get it, how do you say that you don't believe in them, since you asked for one and, hey, you got it? Until when do you get to postpone your decisions?

I don't want to make any. I feel like getting an air mattress and setting off, to float in the sea. Maybe I'll end up in Ukraine, what do you know. So long as it's at that safe little place. I hope to get some summer this year, too, you know. And that, how do you say that? What load does it carry? How come we say it now, when we don't say practically nothing else? How can I face my facts and make my decisions? How can I fit this in my decisions? How deluded am I?

I know what I should do, but I don't want to. I know what I could do, but I don't want that either. I know what the right thing to do is, but I can't do it. I can see things pretty clearly now, I get the picture, but I don't see me clearly. I don't get it. I got my sign, I got my thoughts, I got my conclusions, I got my doubts, my ways, my claims. I know what's right. I know what's changing, and I know what's not.

I know me. And then, all of a sudden, I don't.

PS: Don't go off and get married without telling me first. That much I should have said. Ah.

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